Hating The Military
by Elric-Chan
Summary: Roy Mustang hates the miltary. Edward Elric hates the military. And only one thing can be done about it. [RoyxEd crack fic]


**Disclaimer: Uh... Fullmetal Alchemist is... not mine? That should do it.**

**This idea came to me as I was trying to fall asleep one night. The question of whether I think of Roy and Edward when I'm lying in bed is... um... not important.**

**Moving on... I feel that I should write something RoyxEd, seeing how it used to be my favorite pairing... very recently replaced with Sasunaru. It isn't my fault. I'm just a hopeless yaoi fangirl.**

**I'll shut up and you can read!**

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Roy Mustang hated the military.

He really hated it. Then why did he join, you ask? Because State Alchemists were cool, that's why. It meant he got to have one of those nice shiny pocketwatches, and let's face it, chicks dig a man in uniform.

But he wasn't alone.

Edward Elric also hated the military.

With a passion.

His reasons for enlisting were a bit more obvious, what with his promise to Al and all, but he had to admit, those pocketwatches were rather shiny.

But neither knew of the others' hatred for the military until one day, as they both rounded the same corner, at the same time, very narrowly avoiding a head-on collision, they were both muttering "God I hate this military".

And so they knew they weren't alone, and both immediately delved into a long-winded bashing of the military. They felt that they must formulate a plan to be kicked out of the military, because quitting made you look weak and AWOL was just plain weird.

Roy's gaze fell upon a large notice pinned to the wall that bore the words: HOMOSEXUALITY IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED!

It was the military's most rigorously enforced rule, other than 'No alchemy in the halls'. Anyone found to be gay, discovered secretly being gay, or even came out of the closet themselves would be dumped from the military like a load of defective watches. No one knew why, but they suspected it had something to do wih the Fuhror's unexplained fear of homosexuals. Some freak accident as a child.

Roy turned his sneaky eyes on Edward.

"Whaddya say, Fullmetal?"

"Excuse me? No."

"You want out, don't you?"

He pulled the boy by the hand into an empty room.

XXX

The plan was set. The pair would wait for someone to pass, then put on their best straight-guys-pretending-to-be-gay-to-get-kicked-out-of-the-military routine. And that unlucky witness just happened to be Leiutenant Havoc. Ed adjusted himself in Mustang's arms, prepared to put on a show. At the sound of footsteps, Mustang nuzzled his face into Ed's neck, while Ed put on a (surprisingly) realistic look of passion.

Havoc stopped, thunderstruck, in the doorway. Ed's golden eyes traveled to his scandalized face, and back to his "lover".

"Is he watching?" Roy hissed in Ed's ear.

_"Yes..."_ Ed moaned, suddenly struck with inspiration. _"Yes, Roy..."_

"Fullmetal, that's creepy."

_"I know..."_

"Then stop it."

Havoc cleared his throat loudly, still looking like a sickened dog. Mustang continued his ploy, moving his hips to the boy's for effect. Ed moaned (for effect), and Mustang realized he'd actually have to kiss him if he wanted to give a believable performance. He summoned his courage and pressed his lips to Edward's, at which point two things happened: Havoc shrieked like a girl and scampered off to tell the next person he met; and suddenly Edward wasn't acting anymore.

Something went off inside of him, and he felt himself getting flustered, and...

"Eww god, Fullmetal, that's sick!"

Mustang gave a shout at the pressure he'd just felt from Ed down below, and he too ran away like a frightened child. Edward stood there for a moment, while the tension left him. He didn't know what had happened, but he couldn't be... it was impossible... he wasn't. The Fullmetal Alcemist, Edward Elric, attracted to Roy Mustang?

XXX

Half an hour had quite an impact on Roy and Ed. They were 'gay', said everyone. And how could you blame them? Havoc had seen it with his own two eyes. But what insulted Roy most was the fact that most people weren't surprised. They had 'seen it coming', they said. Mustang was such a pretty boy, no one really thought him to be straight anyway. Ed and Roy steormed the Fuhror's office at the same time, bumping into each other as they went, blushes spreading like wildfire.

"I'M NOT GAY!" they both shouted, but the Fuhror was nowhere to be seen.

"I'm really not, you know," Roy said to Ed, folding his arms.

"Well I'm not either!"

"It sure felt like it."

"I don't want you like that!"

"That's not what a part of you was saying!"

"That... that has nothing to do with it... you'd get that way too."

"Would I?"

"It wasn't because of you, you conceited jerk, it was just what you were doing."

He shook his head matter-of-factly, and, feeling a tap on the shoulder, turned around. The Fuhror stood behind him.

"Been having a nice time, boys?" he asked.

"WE'RE NOT GAY!"

XXX

In the end, Roy Mustang and Edward Elric were satisfactorily thrown out of the military.

**OWARI**

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**A/N: That's that. Review.**


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